BMX: The Whole Truth

It’s been a week since my BMX and since at this exact moment I am not completely blitzed on pain meds I have decided to share with you the whole truth regarding this surgery. Please keep in mind that I don’t have a lot of surgery experience, this being the only major surgery I have ever had.

Ok, here is the whole truth. This surgery sucked. Really, really sucked. Never in my life have I experienced such pain. Even now, a week out, I can honestly say I still have never experienced such pain. When I awoke from the surgery I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. And that elephant stayed there from Thurs. to Mon when she was replaced by a baby elephant. I couldn’t breathe properly. I would take a breath, say a few words, take another breath, say a few more words and on and on it went. Those of you who are in the medical field know what a Pox is, right? Pre-op my Pox was 99-100%. Post op it was 95-96%, still a good Pox but not my norm. And I couldn’t cough. Or yawn. Ever have a cough stuck on your throat? Terrible. Took me days to get that one cough out and each time I tried to get it out I thought my chest would rip open.

Worse than the cough was the complete immobility I experienced. For the first 36 or so hours I couldn’t lift up my head. That’s right…I couldn’t lift up my head. I needed help to perform that simple motion. And once I could lift up my head it didn’t make life any easier as I couldn’t move my torso without help. Still can’t sometimes.  Sometimes I feel like that lady in the commercial “help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” except I hadn’t fallen, I just couldn’t get up. Even last night I couldn’t get up by myself after lying on the couch.

I can’t get my arms up either. Can’t get a glass or plate out of the cabinet. Pretty much, if my shoulder has to be involved in the movement, I can’t do the movement. I am working on that real hard, doing exercises to improve my range of motion, but it’s a slow healing. For four days I couldn’t even lift up a full cup of ice water, if I was thirsty I needed assistance just to get a drink. I can lift it up now, but I need a straw if I have any hope of getting the liquid into my mouth.

I have taken 4 showers since I have been home. 3 of them I have needed help for. Thankfully I have a huge network of nurse friends willing to help me with things like this. It’s embarrassing to need help with that. Now that the drains are out I decided yesterday to shower on my own, with Alan on standby. Did ok with it, but think there is still conditioner in my hair. And if Wanda hadn’t loaned me her hair dryer stand I never would have gotten my hair dried. (she also made me two head-huggers…loving the camo one!) But I can’t yet get dressed or undressed by myself. Good grief

And I can’t help but wonder if the pain is this bad with meds….what would it be like without them?? Aside from antibiotics I was sent home with pain pills and muscle relaxers. Of the muscle relaxers I have 3 left. Which means that in the past 6 days I have taken 27 of them. Of the pain meds I have 4 left, which means in the past 6 days I have taken 36 of them. I will pick up more of the pain meds today (or, Alan will) but I will be done with the muscle relaxers after I take the ones I have. I could refill them, but  I won’t. I will rely on the exercises to relax my muscles.

As for being a mom…well….I haven’t been very good at that lately either. As a matter of fact yesterday was Michelle’s last day of school and my parents took her home with them (again) and she will stay there till Sunday. It is very hard to not be able to “play” properly. And I have been scared to be alone with her because what if….what if she falls off her bike….falls off the swing set….twists her ankle on the trampoline….slips in the shower…? Next week she goes to Day Camp daily from 9-4 and I sure as hell hope that by the end of next week I am at about 80% better. I can’t hug my child right now. She can’t snuggle up on my lap…it’s terrible, it breaks both of our hearts. And even tho she knows it’s temporary, she is only 7 and it’s hard to see mommy like this. But she is helpful…help mommy get the pillow under her head….bring mommy the phone…scratch mommy’s nose….

But while I am experiencing all of this I remind myself that it could be worse. Much worse. I know that. I see “worse” every time I go to work, (which I am not doing these days) and every time I look at Mary. I know it’s temporary, but still, it’s me….and those of you who know me know I don’t do “pain” well, I don’t “follow MD orders” (Or "Nancy's orders") well. I am a control freak, a micro-manager, a little OCD.

And I also know that this is worth it. That I am doing what I have to do to ensure myself of a long and happy life. Wanna know something interesting? If my final pathology report comes back the same as the preliminary report…if it comes back and says “yes, the lymph nodes are cancer free”…then this surgery could have been the end of my cancer treatments. BUT…because I am HER2+++ I still have to do chemo. Even tho there is a very good chance that there is NO CANCER LEFT IN MY BODY. Sucks. But, the chemo too will be worth it. Whatever I have to do will be worth it.

Once again I have to say I consider myself lucky. Lucky that my breasts were problematic, lucky that I have a great gyno who encouraged me to be pro-active when it came to my breasts, lucky that this cancer was found NOW and not next year, or the year after that. It scares me to think I could have gone another year or two without knowing I had breast cancer. Oh gosh…that really scares me.

And the elephant is gone now, replaced by a board that is now resting on my chest.