Why Me?

I know I started this blog as a way to keep multiple people informed of my health without having to answer multiple questions all the time. But then I found blogging to be cathartic. And sometimes I just need to vent. Like today. Right now. I need to vent.

Because I am just so pissed off right now.

It’s bad enough that yesterday I find my left incision line to be infected. It’s bad enough that seeing that pretty much put me in a funk I couldn’t shake all day, even tho I was spending the morning and afternoon with a good friend, a person I hadn’t seen in a while, a person who makes me smile and laugh, a person who probably couldn’t wait to get rid of me by the end of the day because I was just not fun.

This infection pretty much ruined my day. And by the end of it I was in tears. As I mentioned before, I like to worry, and I’m good at it. So my mind automatically goes to the bad places. “I’ll end up in the hospital with IV antibiotics”, “I’ll have to have my expander removed”.

But I woke up today hopeful for a better day. And then I tried to drive. Guess what folks? Didn’t happen. I could hardly make it around the block. Who knew you used your pectoral muscles so hard while driving? I was fine as long as I went straight. My right arm (the node side) just couldn’t do it. Dam. I was just so mad about that. I felt like my chest wall on the right side was gonna burst open. And I’m all out of Percocet now too. Dam dam dam.

So forget it, my mom drives and off we go to BJ’s where I try on glasses. I don’t even know if I should get into it or not…but what a racket their eyeglass place runs. Seriously, their Buy One Get One Half Off? Good grief. Here’s how it goes down. The sunglasses I want are $130 and the glasses are $120, so total it would be $250 but with the BOGO it’s $190, right? Wrong. With the BOGO it’s $286. Ummmmm…..what? Well, it seems that with the BOGO then you have to pay the “retail” price of the glasses. So I peruse my flyer, I closely examine the signs they have displayed, but I don’t see “retail” anywhere. I stood up and had to restrain myself from jumping over the counter and hitting the poor woman behind it. Really, it’s not her fault, I know…I was just so mad. I almost walked out. But in the end I purchased just the eyeglasses. And I like them, I do, for what it’s worth. I didn’t want to buy them for the reason I need to buy them tho. Dry eyes while on chemo. An inability to tolerate my contacts while on chemo. Blah blah blah. So they should be “ready in two weeks”. Can we expediate that? Sure, that will be $10 more.

Give me a freaking break, would ya?

And I know, I know, things could be worse. I could have mets to the brain. Did you know Herceptin doesn’t cross the blood/brain barrier? Nice, huh. I could have mets to ANYWHERE!! And I don’t. At least I don’t think I do. But I really don’t know. And I suppose I could push Dr. Sh and insist on a PET scan. But what would that ultimately prove to me? That I have cancer? That I need chemo? Well, I already know that stuff. Do I need more proof? Doubt it.

But maybe I should ask for a PET scan in say…6 months? Just to check. I don’t know. I am glad I found out about this cancer so early. Honestly, I wasn’t joking when I said before that I could probably have gone another year, maybe two, without knowing I had breast cancer. So yeah, I’m glad I found it early; hopefully I found it before it spread. Hopefully all I have done and all I plan to do to protect myself is enough. Hopefully. Hopefully.

Funny thing is…since my surgery I have been in a good place. Emotionally anyway. I haven’t cried, or felt down, or needed anti-anxiety medicine. I felt an enormous sense of relief after surgery. I truly felt, and still feel, that all the cancer has been removed from my body. That the tiny little micromets they found was just the very very beginning of the cancer spreading, that it never left that node and since that node is gone, along with my breasts, then so is the cancer.

And following surgery with chemo, and chemo with rads is just precautionary. Maybe even going overboard a bit? I don’t know.

It’s just overwhelming is all. And emotionally I have stumbled. I have cried. Sobbed. It was a rough night. And anti-anxiety meds are now being swallowed. Luckily I have a good husband, and good friends, and good family. People who allow me to be weak for a while. People who shut up and listen, who hug and reassure me.

And I know things could be worse. I know that. I really do. But sometimes I just can’t stop thinking “why me?”