It seems to me more attention should focus on the emotional
aspects of chemo. All my sisters in pink know what I am talking about. I know
it seems unreasonable that even tho I know it’s the chemo playing with my
emotions I can’t control it. I want to say to myself “hey idiot! It’s just the
chemo making you feel this way, snap yourself out of it and for Gods sake…be
nice!”
Much easier said than done.
But this time around I am doing ok. Thanks to the ass
kickings I got from many well intentioned friends. And thanks to the fact that
I know I only have to do this ONE MORE TIME! Please God, let one more time be
the end. I am not even going to go in to the “what if’s” of that…
I need to work on myself now. Maybe yoga? Meditation? I need
to regain the strength I have lost. Here’s a little of a recent conversation between
me and Dr. Sh.
Me: My muscle ache, all the time. I can’t even ride my bike
around the block without my arm and leg muscles screaming at me.
Dr. Sh.: That’s the Taxotere. It will stop once you are off
it.
Me: Even with eye drops my vision is still blurry.
Dr. Sh.: That’s the Taxotere. It will stop once you are off
it.
Me: My mouth is so gross and I really can’t taste anything
but the yuk in my throat.
Dr. Sh.: That’s the Taxotere. It will stop once you are off
it.
Me: My hair is growing back. Like, everywhere.
Dr. Sh.: That’s the Taxotere. Sometimes after the 3rd
or 4th infusion hair does grow back.
Me: Look at me nails! What’s going on with them?
Dr. Sh.: That’s the Taxotere. Your nails are getting
brittle. They will probably peel off a bit. Maybe break off.
Me: Ok, what can we blame on the Carboplatin?
Dr. Sh: The fatigue.
Me: And the Herceptin?
Dr. Sh.: The runny nose.
Me: Are you sure I have to do this again?
Dr. Sh.: Research shows that yes, you do. But I could
decrease the dose for the last one if you want.
Me: Would it change/diminish my side effects?
Dr. Sh.: No. But I must say, physically you have handled
this extremely well. I know you have troubles emotionally, but physically you
are doing good. You look good. You have really done well. I am impressed with
how well you have done.
Me: Thanks
Dr. Sh.: Now, can we talk about your lab work? Your liver
enzymes are a bit high. Have you had some alcohol?
SERIOUSLY??? Wow. Those of you who know me…I ask you this…if
my liver enzymes were high after a small, pitiful amount of beer in 3 months
time….could you imagine what they were in say…June???
Turns out, they were elevated a bit, but he was just joking
when he asked about the booze. I confessed to consuming a minimal amount of
beer. I told him it was good for my soul. And he was OK with it. I knew he
would be.
Girl, I am so amazed by you! You are incredible, beautiful, strong, amazing! What an awesome role model for your daughter. :)
ReplyDeletePhysically, yep, treatment sucks, but it is the mental/emotional/spiritual aspect that has been the most difficult for me. I am putting together a "curriculum" of things that have helped me through, and sharing it with the support group next month. Maybe teaching it as a 4 week "class" to other cancer or chronic illness patients.
We've almost done it, girlfriend, almost made it through.....one more time and we are HOME FREE! :)
(I will not even entertain thoughts of otherwise)
peacelovehugs
xoxoxox
Yes, the emotional toll is amazing - but with support you do get through and yes only 1 more. Just wait to see how much better you will feel. My liver enzymes were all over the place too but returned to normal a couple of weeks after my last chemo. You have come so far, surgery, 5 chemos - wow did you ever think that would be all in the past. Keep finding that silver cloud - it is JUST around the corner. Love ya! Mel.
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