Oh My God. Can it be tomorrow already? Can I just get this
done? OVER OVER OVER!! LETS GET IT OVER!
Lately people have been asking me if I am excited that
tomorrow is my last chemo, or telling me how excited they are for me. I find
that word “excited” to be an odd choice, but I get it…I get why it’s used and I
don’t begrudge anyone for using it. But I don’t think “excited” is a word I
would use to describe how I feel. I am “happy” that after tomorrow I can close
the chemo chapter of my treatment, really, truly glad to be done with it. You
have no idea.
But I have absolutely no “happiness” or “excitement” of
sitting in that chair again. I am not “excited” to get pumped full of chemo
again, I am not “excited” to fall into another chemo coma. I am not “excited”
to feel thisclose to death again.
Don’t get me wrong here, mentally I am in a better place
than usual for the day before chemo. Because I know this is the last time. I
won’t be sitting in that chair thinking “I can’t believe I have to do this 5
(4, 3, 2, 1) more times. Tomorrow I will sit there and think “I’m done, please
God let me be done forever”.
But a part of me is scared to stop chemo too. The poison is
suppose to save my life, right? How can I be sure I got enough? Or the correct
kinds? Because it’s a “standard of care”? Standard of care. As in…this works
for most people, let’s see if it
works for Leah too? It’s a crying shame that the chemo standards are base on
the cancer and what has worked in the past and not the person.
But…on the other hand…this course of chemo I am on has
statistically worked. And the Herceptin which I have received weekly since July
10 and will continue to get weekly for two weeks from tomorrow and then every
third week until next July also “statistically” works. As a matter of fact, it
is considered a “miracle” drug for early HER2+++ breast cancer. I sure hope it
works a miracle on me.
Of course, according to my mom the miracle has already
occurred. I have more faith in my mom then in any MD or chemo anyway…so “Yay
Mom!”
I just want to get it over with.
True, you don't get excited for the last one, but.... it is the last one and you will not ever have to endure chemo again. Yes, you will always worry was that enough, did I do the right thing, but you are ALIVE and celebrating the LAST chemo and that part of your journey will be over at last. Two down and one more to go... The light at the end of the tunnel is getting really bright :)
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Moms are always right :)
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<3
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