Strong? Brave?

As soon as I was diagnosed with breast cancer I have been listening to people tell me how “strong” I am, how “brave” I am. And I never know what to say to that. I usually just smile and nod, say thanks and try to change the subject but in the back of my head I am thinking “is this person nuts? I am not strong. I am not brave. It’s not as if I woke up on the morning of Ap 20 and thought, ‘well this is a good day to decide to have breast cancer. I think I will now go and have a double mastectomy, followed my chemo, and then radiation, and in the midst of all that I will also subject myself to a long and sort of painful breast reconstruction process’ just because I am BRAVE and STRONG”. I just didn’t understand why someone would want to say that to me. It made no sense at all.

So finally over the last week I have shared this thought with Alan and a few friends and they have each told me the same thing. And collectively they have helped me to see that my thought process was wrong and that all those people who tell me I am strong/brave aren’t nuts. So my apologies to you.

Now I know what you meant when you said it. You meant in the way I was handling this diagnosis! Aha! Now it all makes sense. So not only do I apologize to you, I thank you too.

I am glad that when you look at me you see a woman who is handling cancer with grace and dignity. And with my usual heavy doses of snarkiness and sarcasm. I am glad you see a woman who is still concerned about you and what is happening in your life. I am glad you see a woman who is still maintaining her home  and her child (albeit I have had a lot of help with that lately).

Which leads me to this….when you would tell me that I looked “great” that would throw me for a loop too. Don’t I look the same? A little less busty maybe but still the same? Didn’t I look “great” before Ap 20? But again, through the wise words of Alan and some dear friends I now know what you mean when you say that. It goes hand in hand with the “strong” and “brave”. Because I still smile, and laugh, and wear V-necked strappy shirts while proudly displaying my port and nodes scars.

I am still “me”, sometimes it takes a little more effort that other times, but I am still “me”. And I am glad that that is who you see. I am glad you don’t see the other “me”. The one who cries at random times. The one who wants to curl up in a ball in a dark room and wait for God to intervene so that I don’t have to subject my body to any more pain. I don’t like that other “me” and I refuse to let her out, well, I do let her cry at random times, but other than that I force her to stay hidden because I just don’t have the energy to deal with her.

And I have many people to thank for helping keep the other “me” at bay. My husband, my family, my friends, the strangers who have heard about me thru mutual friends, the people who randomly read this blog, my new sisters in pink, the prayers that are lifted up in my name, the cards, the gifts, the meals. I feel a bubble of love surrounding me that was most likely always there but that I took for granted for the first 39 years of my life.

I will not take it, or you, for granted in the next 39 years. I thank you all for the love and support you have shown me. I ask that you all continue to be great over these next few months. I still need you, my family still needs you. The next phase of my journey to survivorhood is fast approaching and I am so glad I don’t have to travel down this road alone!