Sunday Morning Rambllings.

In two days I will head back in to the infusion center for my second round of chemo. I cannot stress enough how much I do not want to do this. The memories of the first one are still fresh in my mind, and even tho I have had a nice 2 weeks (out of 3) since the first dose, I still have some constant physical reminders of how sucky it was. Sometimes I find it hard to imagine doing this 5 more times. If you have ever done it once, then you can understand that. I am trying hard to “put on my big girl bra and get over it” but man oh man, it is not easy to do. Even the thought of swallowing that Decadron pill twice tomorrow is enough to make me cry.

I think my problem right now is that it has been a bad week in cancerland. One of my cyber friends just finished everything I am just starting. Her last Herceptin infusion was the day my chemo started. She did it all. Surgery. Reconstruction. Chemo. Rads. A full year of Herceptin. And now she finds out it mets to her brain. Oh. My. God. And a good friend just told me his sister was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer. Oh. My. God. Again. And standing in front of Michelle’s day camp I randomly meet a woman with breast cancer who has a daughter the same age as Michelle. Oh. My. God. Again. It’s a freaking epidemic.

To make matters worse for my morale, my hair is actively falling out. Seriously. All I have to do is run my hand across my head and a bunch of tiny little hairs float down like some warped out snowflakes. Remember when I said that I would shave my head before it fell out, because I felt that emotionally I couldn’t bear it, the falling out part? Well, guess what folks…it is falling out, I only shaved it to a buzz cut so I still get to witness it falling out. Shit. This I did not want to see. And I thank the few folks who have actually seen my buzzed head, who have told me I can pull off the look, but trust me; this totally bald look is not so nice. And while I am not totally bald yet, I do have spots of total baldness and it ain’t pretty.

Someone told me the other day that even tho I wear a head scarf I don’t “look” like a cancer/chemo person because I still have eyebrows/eyelashes, and I don’t have that “grey pallor” that cancer/chemo people often have. Hmmmm…..something else to look forward to as I continue down my road to survivorhood.

Yes, I know. I know I need to keep saying that to myself. Survivorhood. Survivorhood. Survivorhood. I need to survive. I know, I know.

I really do know. But for now I will take a moment to feel sorry for myself and for the women I mentioned above. And I will get better acquainted with what my Onc’s nurse says is my new best friend: Ativan.