Happy THANKSgiving.

Yesterday, Thanksgiving, I tried to count up all the things I was thankful for. The list was endless. I think it is human nature to just take for granted what we have when we really don’t want for anything. I have a loving family, a network of friends that I adore, a comfortable home, a vehicle and a job when I am ready to go back to it. Which, by the way, I am sort of ready to do.

There are things I want, but nothing that I need. It has been a hard lesson to learn. But it was clear last night as Alan and I discussed whether or not he should stand in line at Walmart to get that TV that was on sale for our bedroom. We have a TV up there, an old one that sits precariously atop of a dresser. It works fine. But it’s old and clunky and can’t be attached to the wall. I have wanted to replace it for a long time. But I don’t need to.

Really, I have taken so much for granted in my life. I am ashamed of myself when I think of it.

My eyes have been opened. I have stood face to face with my mortality and decided living was better than dying and so I chose to fight. I have no idea if I will truly win this fight or not. I believe I will, but I don’t know. It isn’t up to me. Cancer cells want to live too, and fight desperately to do so. What they are too stupid to know is that while fighting to live they kill their host. And then they die. If I were a deeply religious person I would say it is in God’s hands. But I’m not deeply religious.

Even so, I will say it anyway. It is in God’s hands. I will fight it because God has given me the ability and resources I need to fight it, but ultimately my life is in God’s hands.

Did you see what I just said there? Need?? Yes, I need to fight, to live. Not because I want to, which I do, but because I need to.

Because I think God has bigger plans for me and he doesn’t want me to continue to live as I have been living. He wants me to live better, stronger.

I didn’t think cancer would change me, I figured I would do what I need to do and then just go back to being me. I see now that I was wrong about that. I see a new and improved me coming out. I see a better person emerging. One who doesn’t sweat the small stuff, one who plays more, laughs more, and (if possible) is more sarcastic. I see a more loving me, a more tolerant me, a calmer me, a less judgmental me, a me who more quickly sees your point of view.

Yesterday I jokingly made fun of someone who wasn’t here, and then felt bad about it. What I said was in humor but if overheard would have hurt that persons feelings. The old me wouldn’t worry about that, the new me feels bad.

I hope you can see this new me when you are with me. I hope my struggles have opened your eyes too. I hope you see now what is truly important and what is not. I hope you remind me of who I am now when I falter.

I am thankful to you, my reader; you have helped me thru cancerland in some way or another. Your support means the world to me, I could never repay you, but the kindness you have shown me will help me to “pay it forward”. And when I do so, I will do it in your honor, for all you have done for me.