Looking Backward And Forward.

Recently I met a local woman, my age, who was diagnosed with HER2+ breast cancer. A woman who is at the beginning of her journey. A woman who said to me “isn’t it funny when someone tells you that you are brave? It’s not like I asked to have breast cancer.”

Oh how that brought back memories. I remember thinking the same thing. I think I even blogged about it.

I never felt brave. Or strong. I felt scared, still do…but in the beginning, when you are newly diagnosed and you really don’t know what is coming next there is nothing but fear. Fear of the unknown is something everyone can relate to, but when it’s your life on the line the fear outweighs all other feelings. And feeling strong or brave doesn’t come in to play.

If you talked to me during the time period between Ap. 20 and Oct. 23 then you know I was scared. Yes, I bravely endured a bilateral mastectomy, and I bravely endured chemo. But the significant word here is “endured”. And sometimes I didn’t endure it bravely, sometimes I just endured it. And the thought of ever having to go thru it again brings me to my knees.

I hope I displayed some grace, some dignity, throughout these trials. But I know at times I did not.

But now, now…looking back I can say “yes, I was brave and I was strong”. I did it, and I plan to continue to “do it”. I plan to continue to follow the protocols and standards that have saved many lives before mine.

Don’t for one minute think that my journey thru cancerland is over. I have much more to do before I can close this book, many more chapters to go thru. All I can really hope for at this point is a happy ending.

I have been lucky to have made many sisters in pink while in cancerland. Some ahead of me in their journey, and some who walked right alongside me, going thru everything I was going thru at the same time. These women have been angels to me, life lines at times. The only people I could talk to that really understood me. And now it’s my turn to pay it forward. To help those sisters in pink who are walking behind me.

I pray I give as well as I received. To my new local HER2+ sister, my triple neg. sister and my HER2+ sister in CA…I lift you up in prayer and surround you in light and love.