Today was my first scheduled radiation treatment. And guess
what??
It didn’t happen…
…and no, not because I decided at the last minute that I
wasn’t going to do it…although I was (am) still tempted by that thought.
It didn’t happen because the X-rays taken today did not
match the CT scan taken the other week when I was “mapped”.
It is such a long story, and yes, I will bore you with all
the humiliating details.
Once again, I found myself topless lying on a cold metal
table with my arms above my head and my head turned “just so” while 4 (yes, 4)
women I don’t know huddled around staring at my chest, drawing on me with
sharpies, measuring this and that, adjusting my position down to the millimeter
while mumbling to each other.
And once again, silent tears streamed down my face.
Humiliated, cold and now in pain.
Pain? Yes, pain. Because somehow or other my left breast
(can I call this expanded area a breast? For lack of a better word?) is now in
the radiation field and the techs decided to “move” it and then “secure” it by
using tape…
…sounds like a good plan to the uninitiated but uh…these
breasts? Well, they don’t move. At all. And if you pull my breast to the side
and secure its position with tape, well then, it is going to cause me pain. And
it’s not going to result in the desired effect because no matter how hard they
tried, the breast won’t move enough to be “out of the way”.
So…maybe, just maybe, I will need to go back to the Plastic
Surgeon and have him remove some of the saline from the left breast. Not the
right breast mind you…oh no…just the left. Some of the saline? Or all? Well, no
one was really sure.
I knew these expanders would cause trouble for me during
radiation, but before radiation? This was unexpected.
So…yeah…I suppose I could walk around for the next six
months (at least) lopsided in the chest area. That sounds like fun…and oh so
good for my peace of mind…(please read this in a voice that drips with sarcasm to get the desired
effect of my words)
Or maybe, just maybe, the radiation team can come up with a
new plan of care, a new map per se, so that I can be radiated without deflating
a breast and without causing damage to any important and hard working muscles
on the LEFT side of my chest. This will require the radiation team to start
again at square one, to re-map me, to maybe, just maybe, add more tattoos to my
skin. Yeah…whatever…I like this idea better then the whole deflate a breast and
walk around lopsided idea…
So that is the idea that they went with…all dependent on Dr.
M’s approval. I was there an hour and a half and when I left all I knew was
that Dr. M would call me with her final decision.
Which she did. She believes that the re-mapping will work
fine, she apologized for the troubles (an apology wasn’t necessary, I want
things done correctly if they are going to be done), she asked if I was OK (I
am sure the techs told her I was crying. Poor Dr. M, every time she sees me, I
am crying), she assured me that from this point on there won’t be troubles like
I had today, she assured me the areas that “need” to be radiated will be
radiated and that no other area will get caught in the crossfire and she
assured me that I could leave my expanded breasts just the way they are. Both
of them.
And I will go back in on Wed., I will once again be X-rayed
and hopefully this next X-ray will match today’s X-ray and then I will be
radiated for the first time. Then I will be one down, 33 to go.
And in case you were wondering, I did not wait in the
communal waiting room. I waited in an exam room, in private, where I didn’t
have to make conversation about the weather with any other person wearing a
hospital gown. And while glad to avoid the “elephant” sitting in a room full of
cancer patients, the desired privacy issue wasn’t met as I still have to walk thru
the halls wearing the gown.
I am gonna have to get over this issue of mine. Maybe. But I doubt it.
