Time

I’m never quite sure what to say when someone says “isn’t time just passing by so quickly” and then looks to me for confirmation. Really? Should I think that? Would you, if you were me?

I suppose that if I look at the summer as just the time period that Michelle was home and not in school then yeah, ok, time is passing quickly.

But when I think about the six weeks that passed between my diagnosis and my surgery, when I look at the six weeks that passed between my surgery and the start of chemo, when I look at the four weeks that have passed between my first chemo and today then I can unequivocally say “no” time is not passing quickly. 16 weeks total have passed since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I have another 11 weeks to go before I am done chemo treatments. At least 4 weeks of radiation to look forward too, and I don’t know how many weeks total will pass before I can have my exchange over surgery and how many more weeks total until I can stop having Herceptin infused and have my port removed.

Time….I feel slighted by time. Time is not my friend. Neither is the mirror but that is a story for another time…which is code for never because I’m not going there…

I think I have wasted too much time in my life. And to keep a positive outlook for the future at this point in time is, at times, hard. It is hard to feel positive when you feel like crap. And I do, at this time, feel like crap. I should have had a “good” week, and I should be looking forward to one more “good” week before my next chemo but unfortunately I feel like crap. Is it a sinus infection? Is it a dreaded Herceptin side effect? Who the hell knows. Sure feels like a sinus infection….And time is passing slowly as I try to recover from whatever it is that is blocking up my nose/head. Herceptin side effect? Well then this feeling could last for a year.

Which would make time move slower.

You can look at time any way you want too. But please refrain from asking me if it’s going quickly.  It isn’t. It won’t. And someday when this is all behind me, I still won’t feel like it went fast. This is a time period of my life that just takes time to get thru. One day at a time. Sometimes, on certain days, it’s one moment at a time.