Willing (??)

Did you ever wonder what it is like to walk into a cancer treatment center? I think the way mine is set up is nice, in a weird sort of way.

The weird part, in my opinion, is where my treatment center is. If you walk into my local hospital and turn left you walk by the pharmacy, the gift shop and then…really…nothing. A few conference rooms, a bathroom, one office and nothing else. It’s like the cancer center is tucked waaay in the back, hidden from the rest of the hospital….as if those of us in living in cancerland have to be away from the general public, just in case cancer really is contagious.

But inside the center…that is the nice part. Need to see your oncologist? Second window on the left. Radiation? The window on your right. Infusion? First window on your left. All your cancer needs can be met in one place.

But that is where the niceness stops. It’s a cancer center folks…what’s nice about that? If you are there you either have cancer, had cancer, or are with someone who has/had cancer.

When I go for my infusion I go to that first window on the left. No one greets you; I don’t say “Hi! I’m here for my 10:30 TCH”. Nope. I just write my name on the paper that sits on the clipboard on “my” side of the sliding glass window and then I sit down and wait for someone to open the door, call my name and lead me back to my chair.

I just write my name. On a piece of paper. That sits on a clipboard. And then I sit down and wait. My name lets the infusion folks I am there. That I am there and ready for them to pump me full of poison. Yes, I have willingly walked into a cancer center, willingly written down my name and I willingly allow them to lead me back to a chair where I willingly sit down. Then I willingly allow them to stick a needle in the port I willingly allowed them to surgically place below my collar bone. And then, with my blessings, the poison starts to flow.

Some days, my fear of sitting in that chair overwhelms my fear of cancer. Especially on my “good” days when I truly feel that surgery alone removed all the cancer from my body.

I pray for the day that a better way to treat cancer is found. It amazes me that I, and so many other people in this world, willingly allow their bodies to be so tortured.