Where Is The Tears??

Something weird happened on the night before my third chemo infusion. I slept. A solid 6.5 or 7 hours. Granted, I swallowed enough pills to help a small elephant sleep, but still…I slept. And it’s about freaking time too….chemo doesn’t affect me that first day….but being exhausted does.

Another weird thing….I didn’t cry either.

I didn’t cry Monday night in anxious anticipation. I didn’t cry Tuesday morning while in the shower (albeit, my showers don’t last long…what with no hair or anything). I didn’t cry when the nurse brought me back to see the MD (actually, this time it was the CRNP I saw). I didn’t cry when the CRNP asked me how I was doing. I didn’t even cry when she hugged me. I didn’t cry when I signed in at the infusion center (I did however, pause a little bit before picking up the pen). I didn’t cry when I sat in the chair. I didn’t cry when they accessed my port. I didn’t cry when the chemo started to flow. I didn’t cry when Alan hugged me. I didn’t cry when Michelle hugged me. I didn’t cry at all yesterday. Not once.

And then I slept…sorta ok.

And felt fine this morning too. Which is a normal “the day after” feeling. And was able to make it thru the day…until dinner time. A good friend brought dinner to my home tonight and I hid out upstairs because I knew if I saw her she would hug me. And if she hugged me, I would cry. I really wanted to see her; I really wanted to hug her. I really wanted to cry too. So I don’t know why I hid out. It doesn’t make sense. At least not to me.

So now you know one of my truths. I cry. A lot. The night before and the day of chemo. At least, I did. This time I didn’t. So while I am being so candid, dare I say I cry all day the Friday after chemo? I have no idea why. It makes sense to cry the night before and the day of chemo. But the Friday after? I think that is caused by the chemo. I think it’s a little known side effect.

But maybe this time will be different. It has been so far.

Is it safe to say I have come to terms with chemo? That somehow a switch inside of me has been flipped and I have resigned myself to my current situation?

I don’t know the answer to that right now. I will let you know later…