Bald...

Bald. My sister in pink just blogged about it…and I have read her post over and over again today. She was so honest and so…so…..”well, this is my head now, love it or leave it” and all I could do was shake my head. I have talked about my hair/head, I have moaned and groaned about it, I have saved a strand or two from the big “shave it off” day but I haven’t really talked about it much….not in terms of how I feel about it….

And I don’t know if I am brave enough to say what I really feel about it. I mean, I can type it here on my laptop no problem, I can even save it to my blog file, but will I publish it? (oh you should see what I don’t publish) I could use some liquid courage…but I can’t do that…and even if I could I wouldn’t because of how my mouth feels (I did mention that right? Chemo mouth is gross…I really do like to complain about that).

I was never a real big fan of my hair. Too thin, too curly, too frizzy, and too unmanageable for a person like me who never wants to make a big production out of getting ready for the day.

And now I am bald.

Well…I guess I am not technically bald.

I am mostly bald. When I first shaved my head it was just to a buzz cut…a few days later those little pieces started to fall out. Not all of them, just some. And the hair that remained grew…and that itched. So Alan buzzed it again. And some grew again…and itched again. So one day while in the shower I took a razor and very carefully shaved what was growing. I have done that twice now.

But I am more bald then not bald.

And I hate it. Really, really hate it. I miss my hair. Cindy Crawford herself couldn’t miss her hair more than I do.

My sister in pink blogged about going out in public with nothing on her head. So for those of you who think I am brave? Well, raise your glass to her, because I will never, ever, do that. Ever. I thought I was the type of person who could. But I can’t. No way. And if I wasn’t sure about it before, then my experience at the Ellis Island ferry made it clear.

I don’t want to show anyone, not even you, my bald head. And I thank all of you who know me for never asking me to show it to you. I know you wouldn’t “care”, but I would. I appreciate all you folks who saw it buzzed and told me I had a nicely shaped head but this bald thing? It’s not my style.

I even feel self conscious when just wearing a ball hat in public. Which I won’t do unless it’s just around my neighborhood. I rarely walk around the inside of my house without something on my head. I sleep with something on my head...

But after chemo is done? Then maybe, just maybe, I will proudly display it. Because it growing in signifies the end of chemo and that will be a good thing. A good thing, as opposed to what is going on now…the middle of chemo….yeah yeah yeah…I know I am half way done…but trust me, you are more excited about that then I am. Half way to you means half way…to me it means three more. See the difference??