The New Normal

Sometimes, usually at night when I am sitting on my bed reading before I go to sleep, I feel like this is all a bad dream. Seriously. It’s not like I was ever feeling sick. Ever. I still don’t feel sick. Well, I feel sick after chemo of course, but the only time I feel sick is when the medicine that is supposed to make me well makes me feel sick. Does that make sense? I wonder if this would be easier to deal with if I had least felt sick before the diagnosis. Felt something. Even a lump. I felt nothing.

Nothing has ever been felt. No lump. No sickness. No nothing. I have just always felt fine. So I guess I don’t have cancer. I had cancer, it was found before it made me feel sick, and for that I am very grateful.

And yet as I travel down this road in cancerland I still can’t believe I am here. I still can’t believe this is happening. To me. Not that I would want it to happen to you…I just can’t believe it’s happening to me.

Because I still am living a normal life. Or at least a new normal. I still cook, clean, shop, spend time with family and friends. Now I just have added a few new “normal” things. Herceptin infusion every Tues. Blood work every third Mon. Chemo every third Tues. Neulasta shot every third Wed. An occasional MUGA scan and MD appt. thrown in. Planning for radiation, exchange surgery.  And I have removed a few “normal” things. Kayaking. Rock climbing. Swimming.

I didn’t think I would survive the summer living this new normal life. But I did. Thankfully. And I suppose if I could survive the summer then I can also survive the fall. And winter. And next spring. And then next summer too. Or at least half the summer anyways. Because if things go according to my plans by mid July 2013 all this stuff will be over and I can walk out of cancerland and back into the real world.

However, things certainly don’t always go according to my plans….