You Almost Got The Dirty Truth

You almost got the dirty truth. You almost got the “bad” and the very very “ugly”. I almost clicked on “publish”, and then at the last moment I changed my mind. I didn’t even save it as a reminder to myself, or as something to publish another time.

I had an “oh woe is me” week. The chemo hit me hard physically and emotionally. I was beaten and drained and decided to share with you all the ugly side effects. And then didn’t. I wrote it on Sun and Mon but kept waiting to publish it, and then ultimately chose to delete it.

And today I feel better. Well, chemo mouth still sucks and boy oh boy do I love to complain about that. But other than that I am feeling quite human. As a friend of mine said: you start your first chemo feeling 100% but each time you sit in that chair the percentage decreases….so I would guess this last chair time I was at about 65% when I sat down. I long for the days of 100% but am getting used to functioning at less.

Yet my inner toddler still cries, wants to cuddle up on the couch between my parents and let them rub my sweaty forehead.  My inner toddler still wipes her snotty nose on the back of her hand…actually….my adult me does that too as the Herceptin makes my nose run and run and run and I am too damn young to stick a tissue up my sleeve….My inner child needs to be parented. And that is something another friend just told me: it’s time to parent myself. I’m not too good at that.

I just read a small article about Breast Cancer and it said in it that living with BC is like having a big white elephant trailing along behind you…no matter where you go or what you do that stupid elephant is there and sometimes you need to just say to it “hey elephant….I’m gonna go hang out with my husband now and you just can’t come with me. Stay here and I will see you later.”

It’s true ya know. Think I will name that beast Ellie. She is distracting and sometimes I can’t meet the eyes of strangers because I know if I do I will see their thoughts floating above them like a cartoon bubble…”oh, look at that poor lady in the head scarf walking around with that elephant..Better her then me; I’ll give her a nice sympathetic smile…”

So today I will run some errands and leave Elllie behind, she can keep an eye on the cats. I will look all strangers in the eye without fear of what they are thinking. I will wipe my snotty nose on a tissue. I will put on my big girl bra and get over myself for the day. Just today. I will look no further than today. Tomorrow could be completely different, but I doubt it. I need to stop my incessant worrying and just live in this moment. Enjoy the cool weather, enjoy my family, enjoy myself without the added weight of Ellie. Ellie is a bitch and I am going to do my best to leave her behind at every moment that I can.