Radiation Ramblings

I am in such a state of anxiety regarding radiation that it kept me up late last night as I tried to work thru my thoughts. There are many reasons why I don’t want to do it and I think the main one is that I just want to be done. Done done done done done. No more. No thanks. Move along…

There is the issue of having to put off my exchange over surgery. That’s a big issue to me. The expanders are not comfy. They are like Tupperware sticking out of my chest. Sometimes it’s hard to get comfortable in bed. Sometimes they make it hard to hug someone tightly. They don’t hurt anymore per se, but I am definitely aware that they are there. And I hate them and would like to get rid of them. Sooner rather than later.

A woman I met online sent me some photos of her radiated skin. Ouch. Oh. My. God. Ouch. Now I know her experience could be different from mine but seriously, ouch. So this has now become an issue. And I know she didn’t send me the pics to scare me, she sent them because I asked her to tell me the truth. I am thankful she did. I keep saying (because I keep being told) that rads will be a walk in the park after all I have already been thru. I beg to differ…and I haven’t even started rads yet.

When I spoke to the other rad onc he assured me that waiting a bit less than a month from the end of chemo to start rads would be ok, so that I could be done by Christmas, per my request. But I can’t get out of my head something else he said “by Christmas you will be in pain. And your skin will be burnt.”

But in hindsight…

I now have an appt with the original rad onc, Dr. M, on Nov. 2. Seems so far away. And here is what I am going to ask her…instead of being done by Christmas, can I wait till after Christmas to start? Is there a huge problem by waiting 60 days instead of 30?

I need time to heal. My body needs time to heal. Mentally and emotionally I need time to heal. My soul needs time to heal. I am exhausted, in every sense of the word.

Since April 20 I have been living on a rollercoaster of emotional and physical pain. I have needed drugs to quiet my thoughts so I can sleep. I have needed drugs to ease the physical pain I have experienced. I have needed drugs just to get thru the day without killing someone. I cry when I think about having to go back in for two more rounds of chemo.

I just need a break. And I think a good time to do that is Oct 23 to Dec 26, 2012. Allow me to enjoy Thanksgiving, my birthday, Michelle’s birthday, Christmas and the 3 other family members birthdays while feeling good…at least physically feeling good..my emotions and my soul will need more than 60 days to heal.

Allow me to rest. To put my energy into the holiday and birthday season without the added stress of daily radiation treatments, fatigue and skin issues. Allow me to host a holiday dinner for 15+ people. Allow me to celebrate the birthdays of those I love.

I need a break.

But I believe that my request for a 60 day break will be denied. I am hoping at the least that it can wait until after my birthday.