So I am thinking about indulging myself with another glass
of beer. Mmmm…sounds so good, so normal. But I am resisting, for now, and
drinking peppermint tea…not quite the same.
I am slowly finding my way back to being a warrior. It
helped today that I felt good. Again,
I am not going to get into the nitty gritty of the side effects, it’s enough
for you to know that my “good” days are less and less each time…
Not that I’m making excuses, but you try a 21 day cycle in
which you only feel real good on only 6 of those days.
I remember a while back I met with a therapist…as part of my
cancer treatments LVH provided me with a therapist. I met with her a few times
but that last time I saw her I left feeling pissed off. I met with her at some
point between my surgery and the start of chemo…back when I was still in shock
over my diagnosis, still scared of what came “next” and still so afraid I would
die. I remember just sitting there crying and saying “I don’t know what to do”.
And she suggested that maybe I needed to swallow an anti-depressant daily.
That’s when I got pissed off and left.
An anti-depressant? Me? No thanks. Yet I have no shame in
admitting I need an anti-anxiety to help me shut off my mind at night so I can
sleep, coupled with 2 Tyl PM. I have no shame in admitting that I sometimes
take that anti-anxiety during the day too…mostly so I can again shut off my
mind so I can nap. I have no shame in admitting that sometimes I take a less
than conventional approach to keeping my nausea at bay…none. No shame. Whatever
works.
And two days ago I probably could have benefited from an
anti-depressant. Today? Not so much. So I can’t help but wonder…no, that’s
wrong, I can’t help but be sure that a lot of my emotional instability is
directly related to my chemo. A little talked about side effect. This is not an
excuse, it is a fact. At least, for me it is a fact.
But in less than one month I will be done chemo. Done.
Hopefully forever. Did you know 30% of women with breast cancer have a reoccurrence?
Just something for you to sleep on…
Trust me, I don’t want to be the self pitying person that I
sometimes am. I want to go back to the Leah that laughed a lot, that smiled a
lot. The Leah that lived life on the edge of a mountain without fear of falling
off. I want to be the Leah that got a rush of adrenaline from pushing herself to
the limits. I want to live that life again.
Huh….
Well…I suppose I could do that right now. Seriously. What a
thought this is that just came to me. I could strap on my harness, hang off the
side of cancerland and have NO fear; because when I look down what I see below
me is you. My support team. My cheerleaders. You won’t let me fall. You won’t
let me get hurt. You checked my knots, my harness and the ropes. You’ve got my
back. And if I get scared, well then, I just blow my whistle and you will come
help me.
I have you. Thank God I have you. I need you. I love you. I
thank you. I promise you this: I will make every effort to bring myself back to
the Leah you know and love. With your help and guidance and tough love I can do
it.
Pity party over. Warrior Princess on.
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