The Second Opinion.

The other day I got a second opinion regarding radiation therapy. I spoke with another radiation oncologist who agrees with the first radiation oncologist, Dr. M. I wasn’t happy with what he said. And I suppose I could go off and find a third, fourth, fifth opinion until I find a radiation onc who would agree with me.

And to agree with me the rad onc would have to say that I don’t need rads.

But nope, he agrees that I need rads to the remaining lymph nodes under my right arm, the lymph nodes above my clavicle on the right side and my entire right chest wall. Again I was told that if I had a total node dissection of my remaining axilla nodes and none of them show cancer then perhaps they would change their minds about rads. But again, I am not willing to do that.

And again I was told that because of my young age and the aggressiveness of HER2+++ breast cancer having radiation would help increase my overall chances of a progression free life. And that is a good thing, of course. I sure would like to leave cancerland behind me with no regrets and live a progression free life, who wouldn’t?

But (and I say this in a whiney voice) I don’t want to do it. I really don’t. Please don’t make me. I have had enough. Mentally I am broken, physically I am broken. Don’t break me anymore. I’m begging.

I realize the side effects of rads will be nothing in comparison to recovering from surgery, will be nothing compared to the side effects of chemo. But still, they will be something. And I don’t want them. I don’t want to burn, I don’t want my throat to hurt. I don’t want to take the risk that my expander could fail. I don’t want to be lopsided once my exchange surgery is done because the skin on my right side has been compromised.

I don’t want to do it. I really don’t.

And then I am told that there is usually a month wait between the last chemo and the first rads. A month.  Chemo is set to end on Oct 23, so a month later will be Nov 23. So Happy Thanksgiving and Merry F@#$%*& Christmas. Oh yeah…and don’t forget Happy 40^th Birthday. Damn.

You see, rads is daily. Mon thru Fri for like 28 to 33 “zaps”. Except weekend and holidays, because apparently cancer doesn’t spread on weekends and holidays. So even if I started on Nov 23 I would not be done by Christmas because of those dumb weekends and holidays.

So I begged for an earlier start date. Wouldn’t 2 weeks wait be enough? Can I please oh please be done by Christmas. He said Ok…maybe 2.5 weeks would be ok. So of course I pushed it a bit and asked if I could be done by my 40^th Brithday. Nope.

So now I need to go back to see Dr. M and get this shit scheduled. And I hope to God that I can deal with it.

But right now I need to put it out of my mind. I need to turn my energy towards positive thoughts to get me thru chemo tomorrow. I am feeling weak today. I need your prayers.