4 Down, 2 To Go.

Is it over yet? Oh no. I have two more to go. I know that sounds good, only 2 more, that means four have been done, but still…..two more. Ugh…I need to do this two more times. Two more. Yuk.

I wish that at the very least I could know what to expect each time, but I don’t. It’s different. So it’s always a mystery. Remember I mentioned before that the effects are cumulative…not as in worse each time, just longer each time. Well….that’s true. At least, for me it is. Usually after an infusion I am feeling good till Wed. PM, maybe Thurs. AM. But not so this time…this time by Tues night the fatigue had set in….

….and that wouldn’t have been so bad except that Michelle was home. And I hate to appear sick when Michelle is around. Or tired. Or anything less then 100%. So perhaps when this is all over I can start a new career as an actress as I feel like I did a pretty good job of hiding just how tired I was from her. At least, on Tues I did. But I had to drag my ass out of bed on Wed Thurs and Fri morning just to appear “normal” to her. And I know I could have stayed in bed, Alan could have taken control. But I just can’t help it. I want her to see me feeling good, not feeling bad. But who am I kidding?? She isn’t stupid. She knows I feel horrid. And she says to me “mommy, I hate this cancer crap. It is hell.” And I am too tired to reprimand her about her language so instead I just say “me too.”

I was very afraid of how these past few days would go with me feeling like a dead person and Michelle being home (over the summer she stayed with my folks during the “bad” days) but it went ok. Thanks of course to my husband and my mom who just step up and take over. And I can make it thru if all I have to do is sit on the couch and watch SpongeBob. And I only have to do this twice more, right?

But lately my mind has been on an old friend. We met when I was about 25 and even tho she was a good 20 years older than me we were friends. We had books and movies in common. We enjoyed dinner, drinks and dancing. We could spend hours together doing nothing and just having fun. But I cut her out of my life after Michelle was born. I didn’t regret it then, and I don’t regret it now. The circumstances aren’t important now. It was what it was and cutting her out of my life back then was what I needed to do for me. For my sanity. There are people in this world who I believe aren’t meant to be there with you forever. You serve your purpose to each other and then move on. Which is what she and I did.

I found out recently that she died. In hospice. Of breast cancer. Do I wish I could have been there for her? Yes. Do I think she might just be up in heaven cheering me on? Yes. I don’t know the circumstances of her cancer, of her death. We didn’t have friends in common that I can ask. All I know is she died. Of breast cancer. Like millions of other people. And knowing that fills me with sadness. I hope she fought bravely. I hope she was surrounded by love and light. I hope she knows that I always loved her and never thought badly of her.

Now I know someone who died of breast cancer. And that sucks. I hope all of you who read this never think of me that way. The friend who died of breast cancer.