2AM Ramblings

So this may be one of those rambling its 2AMandIcan’tsleep type of entries that I honestly hope I don’t have to do too often. I really thought Xanax 0.5mg would have done the trick. I guess not.

So here is the purpose of this blog. You see, I like to think of myself as a real popular kind of person, and I don’t want to have daily conversations about how I am doing, especially with multiple people. Or whats going on next. Or what the Oncologist said. So I am going to direct people here.

Today, right now, only a handful of people know. And they are sad. They feel helpless. They want to help. And what do I need from them? Right now? Nothing. Love, of course, and prayers. But they want to do more for me. Of course they do. I would feel the same way if the shoe was on the other foot……or perhaps I should say…..if the breast was on the other chest wall.

My mother put it best when she said…..well….I can’t print the words she said.

Runner up was my brother. He said “Well, this just suck”.

On Monday I meet with the Oncologist. Dr. C. is the head of the Surgical Oncology Dept at the local hospital. From there I should know more than just that I have Invasive Ductile Carcinoma. After that I am going to contact the other people in my life and share with them this terrible news. And selfishly, I am going to do it by email. I can’t fathom having this conversation again and again and again and again. After that will come the big FaceBook announcement. I plan to make only two cancer related announcements on FaceBook. One will be that I have Cancer. The other will be that I beat Cancer. Guess I’m about to find out who my friends really are. Because they way I see it, if I tell all my 100 friends on FB that I have cancer and they don’t ALL contact me privately to express their disbelief and outrage about it, they are not my friend. But FB will not be my ranting outlet. That will be here.

And rant I shall….

I might cry too. Definitely right now I am. But I have allowed myself a 48 hour pity party. After that I will pull myself together. Really. Honest. I’m gonna try anyway. You can help tho by not making those sad faces when you see me. By not hugging me more than you usually do. Which, for some of you means, don’t hug me.

Most likely I will return to my usual, snarky and sarcastic self. I will make jokes about it. And you will not laugh at them.

But I'm not going to die. As my mom said....and this I can repeat....I have a long life ahead of me, but first I'm gonna have a real shitty summer.