Chemo

For the past 6 days I have been trying to process, and come to terms with, the most devastating news I have ever received. It’s real difficult and it hasn’t been processed or come to terms with.

And now I have worse news.

Further testing on the biopsy samples have shown to be Estrogen + (but weakly), Progesterone – and HER2 +. From what I understand, this is not a great combination. Google it if you must, but I don’t recommend it. It ain’t pretty. (Mom, I know you already have). In a nutshell, this is aggressive. Like its owner. It’s not good. At all. No cancer is good, but some are easier to treat and some have a better long term prognosis.

Dr. Chung called me this afternoon. From what I understood of that conversation I could right now choose to skip the Genetic Testing for the BRCA 1 and 2 gene because she feels that would come back negative. Google that too, cuz I ain’t getting into it. I could also skip the MRI right now too, if I want. And go right to a mastectomy. But without the MRI would I risk removing just one breast? Remember, this is INVASIVE breast cancer. And now it is also AGGRESSIVE.

My other option is to have the Genetic Testing anyway, because it really is good info to have. And have my MRI as scheduled on May 9. Ok, but that is 12 days away. And my next scheduled appt. with Dr. Chung is 16 days away. Then from there, I will schedule a surgery. Either a lumpectomy or a mastectomy. So lets add another week to that. Now remember, I have INVASIVE and AGGRESSIVE cancer. Dr. Chungs nurse said “two weeks isn’t enough time for it to spread, now maybe two months…..” OK, but how long has it been there before it was found? For all I know, today is the two month mark.

Dr. Chungs nurse, knowing that I am also a nurse, (oh…ok….after speaking to Dr. Chung I cried for a while, calmed down and then called her nurse) asked me to think of it clinically and not emotionally. But I can’t. I may be a nurse, but first and foremost, I am human. I am scared. Really scared. And all I really want is to live. 30 more years will be enough.

And Alan and I right now are both waiving our hands in the air and saying “Screw this, chop them off!”

And I still don’t know what Grade or Stage my cancer is. If I knew that I think it would help me make a decision.

But no matter what I do, lumpectomy, mastectomy, double mastectomy, I have no choice but to have chemotherapy.

I need Jane.