Invasive

It’s this word “Invasive” that really bothers me. Does my cancer just have invasive properties? Or has in already begun its invasion? And where exactly does it want to invade? And most importantly, why? Why me?

Here is a truth….when I had the biopsy last week I talked in depth with the radiologist, his technician and her assistant. I pushed them all for details. I asked all those questions that some people wouldn’t ask because they figure they wouldn’t get an answer. I pushed them for answers I knew they weren’t allowed to give me….

And I walked out of there and mentally prepared myself to go back for the results and be told I had DCIS. Ductal Carcinoma In Sutu. Even tho I spent the days between biopsy and results high fiving my mom and Alan and saying “I’m going to be part of the 80% of women who get benign results, not part of the 20% who get DCIS results”, in my mind I was preparing myself for being told I had cancer.

 DCIS. NONINVASIVE.

And then I was told I have cancer. And all my preparation went out the window. That’s it. I have DCIS. And I lost it. I mean, really lost it. I shook and I cried and I probably cut off the circulation in Alans left hand. But no matter my state of mind, this Radiologist kept talking and I couldn’t hear a word she was saying until….

INVASIVE. What??? I remember saying that word out loud. Saying it as a question. She must have it wrong. I have DCIS and that is NOT INVASIVE. She must have me confused with someone else. She didn’t. And suddenly I lost it more, if that’s possible.

The Radiologist introduced me to Jane (as in Doe) who is apparently my new best friend. She is my Nurse Navigator and will hold my hand as I journey to “survivorhood” (that’s her word, not mine). She is my go-to person, my mediator. She gave me pamphlets and she offered me counseling, support groups, etc. Jane is petite, and pretty, and she has the kindest eyes I have ever seen. Jane is calm, and talks in a low voice, and allows me to cry uninterrupted before she continues talking. She is also my secretary. She made the appt with Dr. C. the oncologist for me. And she pushed Dr. C. to see me earlier than next Friday, which was the first appt they offered me. Jane is the reason I am being seen on Monday. Tomorrow. I heard her on the phone; she said “But Leah is only 39”.

So like I said, Jane is my new best friend.

And as much as I know I need her….I don’t want her. I don’t want what she represents. I have no room in my life for her. And somehow I need to find a way to accept her, to make room in my life for her, because I DO need her. I know that. I just wish she could have entered my life another way.

And while she talked to me, I wanted to leave. Leave the room. Leave the building. Leave her. And when she finally allowed me to go, she hugged me. And I apologized for being so rude, and I told her she had a horrible job. She smiled, forgave me, called me a few hours later to see if I needed to ask any questions, to tell me I could see Dr. C on Monday.

Yeah, I have a question. What is next?