48 Hours

48 hours has now past. My pity party has to end. I need to put on my big girl bra and get over myself.

The only problem with that is Michelle returns from grammy and grandpas house today. Actually, she is home, and gone again to a birthday party. She was home for about 30 minutes before Alan took her to the party.

And right around that 48 hour mark I lost it. I cried like I did on Friday morning when I was told that I had cancer. I cried so hard that Alan told me to take a Xanax and suck it up. Yep, that’s what he said. Does it sound a bit harsh? I needed to hear it. He has spent these past 48 hours being so strong. For me. I have not given him a chance to be sad yet. I have not comforted him at all. I have not allowed him to grieve, or process this. I haven’t allowed my parents to process it either. I made Alan take care of me. And I made my parents take care of Michelle. And I know I have every right to be a bit selfish right now, I know this. But I can’t help but feel slightly guilty over it.

However…it did take Alan over an hour this morning to run to Dunkin Donuts. He said he had to go to the ATM, and get gas in his car…..but I think he just needed some time to himself. He deserves that. I didn’t question him about it. His emotions are not worn on his sleeve, and I respect that.

And now that Michelle has left my parents house and they can begin to process this information. My heart is breaking for them. As a parent too I can empathize with how they are feeling.

Alan thought I should go to this birthday party too. Said it would be good for me to “get out”. But I don’t feel the same way. First, I have no desire to go anywhere….with the possible exception of Mexico…and secondly if I were to go out in public I would go somewhere where I would be surrounded by my closest friends and family. Not to where I am around a bunch of people who are barely more than acquaintances. Where I would have to smile and pretend that “Yeah, I had a nice weekend”, “I know, the weather was much better yesterday than I expected”.

Besides, my eyes are swollen and puffy. The skin under my eyes is dried and cracked, even a bit flakey. There is no amount of make-up in this world that can hide the truth, that I have cried long, hard and often these past 48 hours.

And…in a few hours Alan and Michelle will be home. And he and I together are going to tell Michelle that mommy has cancer.