How Are You

How are you? This is a question multiple people ask you multiple times a day. And you ask multiple people this question multiple times a day. And even if you are having a kind of crappy day you find yourself smiling and saying “I’m fine.”

Recently I have begun to hate this question. From the guy at WaWa, my family, my friends, my medical providers, my every one. I especially hate it when the person doing the asking has a sad look in their eyes. Because that person knows how I am doing. So really, why are you asking?

You wanna know?

Last night was the first night I slept thru the night. The first night I slept more than 5 hours. But before I went to bed I had one Xanax 0.25mg and two Tylenol PM.

I can’t read. I love to read. But I can’t do it right now. Because I can’t concentrate.

I like to play Words With Friends on my smart phone, but I resigned all my games. Because again, I can’t concentrate.

I have a pile of mail 3 inches high. Some of it is bills. And I don’t care.

I can’t speak very well right now. Sometimes I can, but most times I start to cry.

I can’t eat. I’ve lost 4 pounds. When I can eat it’s oranges, grapes, watermelon mostly. Very little real food. I know I need to eat, I just can’t. I can’t keep it down.

I cry when I drive. Out of nowhere.

I can’t sit still but there is nothing I want to do.

But Alan says that now that we have made a decision I can at least say “today was a pretty good day.” And I guess I can say that.

 Sometimes it might even be true.