Hawk Mountain

Last night my parents took my daughter for the weekend to give me time to adjust. Which I am so thankful for. I have awesome parents. I am blessed.

So Alan, my husband, who had plans for the day, cancelled his plans and suggested that when we woke up today we head over to Hawk Mountain. What a great idea. Usually, when he and I do something, whether alone or with other people or family, I make all the plans. I map out the route. I pack what will be needed. I firm up the plans with anyone else who may be going. But today, it was all him. Thankfully. Because for the past 29 hours since my diagnosis I have been unable to make a decision. I feel like right now I just don’t have any choices when it comes to my life. And I know that that isn’t true, but remember I am still within my allotted 48 hours of self pity.

I can make a yes or no decision…like, Alan asked me this morning if I wanted some eggs. That was an easy “no”. I am walking a thin line right now between vomiting and not vomiting…and eggs…ewww…But if you give me a choice, if you press me to make a decision, well…I just can’t do it.

Here are a few other things I am finding it impossible to do right now: Sleep. Be indoors. (I am typing this outside) Drive. Look someone in the eye. Not cry…really, the tears just spontaneously appear.

So Alan packed up all we would need and we left around 9 AM. He drove. He led. He handed me water before I asked for it. He even had a Crosby Stills and Nash CD in the car and ready to go. We hiked for miles, stopping at all the scenic overlooks. Saw multiple Turkey Vultures and not much else. The Lookout Trail. The Sunset Overlook. The North Overlook. The Bald Outlook. The Appalachian Outlook. The South Outlook. The Skyline Trail. The Golden Eagle Trail. The River of Rocks Trail. The Escarpment Trail. And back to The Lookout Trail. Before we left we got a family membership. It’s good for a year.

That’s something to look forward too. A year.

Tonight, my friend wants to see me. I understand that, I would want to see her too if the situation was reversed. She would do and go anywhere I suggested. Except I can’t make a decision. So Alan made those plans for me too. And I don’t have to drive.

Well, I did tell her I wanted to go back to Mexico with her, but really, that’s about the only choice I feel capable of making right now.

Unrealistic choices.

But I didn’t CHOOSE cancer. It chose me. So in my mind….right now….I have lost control.

And since I am still well within my 48 hours of self pity, I CHOOSE to accept that loss of control.

Which ultimately, is another unrealistic choice.