Clarity

Last night I had the most amazing conversation with a complete stranger named Francine. She said I could blog about her and our conversation and so blog I shall!

But first let me tell you how I found her, or, how she found me. The other day I hi-jacked Alans FB wall and reached out to his friends for support and love. I added my blog to his page in the hopes that some men would stop being such manly men and reach out to him. His friend Patrick in CA reached out, to both of us. And then his girlfriend Francine reached out to us too. Francine is somewhere around 35 or 36 years old. And 10 years ago (10!) she was diagnosed with Stage II breast cancer. When we spoke last night I was horrified by her story and touched by grace and charm. Cancer ruled her life for years. She had it all. Lumpectomy. Radiation. Double Mastectomy. Chemo. Breast Reconstruction Surgery. She is now a 6 year survivor.

She was open and honest with me. And for the first time in 7 days I spoke to someone about my cancer without crying. (7 days…seems like a lifetime…)

Because my biggest fear is the unknown. There is so much I still don’t know. Like…has my invasive and aggressive cancer been aggressively invading other parts of my body? I don’t know. Based on the fact that I don’t have swollen lymph nodes, I will guess not. And nothing will tell if it has except for a full body scan. Which I might request.

And people have been asking me this past week “What do you want to do Leah?” Yesterday Dr. Chung said “You have to make a decision.” But I still have all these unknowns. And I want answers. And I could take some time and get those answers. I could probably have them all within a month.

But I have aggressive and invasive breast cancer. And I can’t get those words out of my head. Aggressive. Invasive. And if these past 7 days have felt like a lifetime, imagine what another month would do to me?

Here is one thing I know, the biggest truth I have: I want to live. Live to see Michelle graduate college. Live to see Michelle get married. Live to see Michelle have babies. Live to see the Grand Canyon. Live to go to Costa Rica. Live to visit Italy. Live live live live live live live live. Is that asking for too much?

It’s my life that is on the line here.

And I have invasive and aggressive breast cancer. At the very young age of 39.

Somehow, in a way I really can’t describe, Francine was able to put this all into perspective for me. Its not something specific that she said, I really can’t put my finger on what happened but by the time I hung up the phone I had something I had been searching for these last 7 days.

 Clarity.

And guess what? Before I spoke to Francine, Alan spoke to Francine. And he felt the same way I did when he got off the phone with her. Like he could finally breathe. There is something about this woman Francine.

Some of you may think what I am about to say is putting the cart before the horse. But the way I think of it is this: I can finally see the forest thru the trees.

I need to be more aggressive then this unwanted visitor that has decided to take over my body. I’m in charge of this cancer and I am going to kick its ass.

Alan and I agree. I gave myself the night to sleep on it and when I woke again at the horrible hour of 4 AM I did not immediately think “oh no…what am I going to do”, I did not immediately cry. No, my first thought was “I HAVE A PLAN!”

 I will get the genetic testing done tomorrow as planned. It will be good info to have, and helpful info for Michelle to have as she becomes a woman.

Then I will have a double mastectomy

Then I will have chemotherapy

Then I will have a C cup