Jane

This morning I had a 45 minute conversation with Jane. Remember Jane? My nurse navigator, my hand holder, my partner on my way to survivorhood? That Jane. Poor Jane. She has been reaching out to me and trying to talk to me since day 1. Which wasn’t that long ago, I know, but to me this past week has felt like half a year. But every time she got me on the phone I would clam up. Truth be told, I really haven’t physically, verbally spoken to many people this past week. Just a handful of people have heard my voice. But she was doing her job, and I am part of her job. And I know I need her, I’m not an idiot. I just couldn’t talk. And I couldn’t hear either. So I emailed her and invited her to visit this blog. She wanted to know my thoughts and they are all here so I figured this would be a good place for her to be.

Then after I got the call from Dr. Chung…oh my God, I needed her. But she was out of the office, which I knew, because she had emailed and told me. But I left her a teary hiccup-y message and asked her to call me after 9 this morning.

At 9:02, she called. But by then I had had my moment of clarity. And while she has access to my blog she hadn’t read my Chemo or Clarity postings. So I filled her in. I told her what you all already know. I told her my final decision. And she, like a good navigator, told me my pros and cons. She again informed me of my other options. And when she was done doing her job, she graciously accepted the decision Alan and I made based on what we feel is my best bet on a long life, and the least risk of a recurrence of breast cancer.

But here is a truth: A double mastectomy may not be needed in my case. Its quite possible that my cancer mass is small and the cancer hasn’t spread. The only way to determine that is the MRI. But if I don’t do the MRI, I will never know. But lets say it is small and hasn’t spread. I could have a lumpectomy, followed by chemo. And then I could wait. And wait. And wait. And for the rest of my life wait. Because it could come back. It could come back after a mastectomy too. But the chances of that are slim(mer). And I want the best possible long term prognosis. So while my choice may not be the choice you think is right, I say “PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL BRA AND GET OVER IT!” This is my life. And I can’t get those 2 nasty words out of my head. Invasive. Aggressive.

And again, she offered me support groups. SOS: Support Of Survivors. It’s a group of volunteer breast cancer survivors who will talk to me. And I should accept that support, but I’m not ready yet. Currently, I have Francine, a survivor, my newly crowned “booby sister” to talk to, and an acquaintance going thru cancer treatments to talk to. But I have a feeling once I am told my surgery date, I will be sending out an SOS.

And I vow to one day be on the other side of that SOS.

But I did accept one offer. The one for family support. For Michelle. Because she needs it the most. This has been devastating to her, and we have not yet told her our plans. She has seen those sad little bald baby pictures and she doesn’t want that to happen to me.

So again…I am waiting for a call. Always waiting. Every time one question gets answered, 18 more questions pop up.

But, at least now I can actually speak to Jane, and hear what she says. And that has got to make her happy. Thanks Jane.