Alone Time

For the past 2 weeks I have been able to do just about nothing. I would go to MD appts., and I would go to work. I would talk to my family and I would play with Michelle. I would go on the internet. But other than that? I didn’t do much of anything. I didn’t cook. Or clean. Or go to the grocery store. Or run any errands. I’ve been a hermit even tho cowering in the corner is not my usual MO.

Last night, and this morning, I have a few hours to myself. And I have plans!! Every floor will be mopped or vacuumed, every counter cleaned, every wood surface dusted, all laundry washed, every toilet scrubbed. I will buy some pretty flowers, a few for the kitchen and a few for the guest room. I will buy groceries and I will plan a few meals!! Yes! Those are my plans! Even tho I spent last night on the web and watching shows I have DVR’d. Even tho I am spending this morning on the web. But those are my plans at least, and isn’t making the plans half the battle?

Because tomorrow my booby sister Francine and her man Patrick (Alan’s college friend) are coming to town. And I really need to clean.

But last night I spent some time on the phone with an 18 year breast cancer survivor, we had nice talk and she helped me get thru a dark moment of aloneness. Thank you. And also last night my friend Stacy called. And like all bad medical professionals, when she hears of a medical condition she isn’t aware of she does some Google searches to help herself be better informed. And sometimes, as you know, Google is NOT your friend. I had told her I had looked up my HER2+ status on the ‘net but didn’t like what I saw and so I had decided to stop looking at it. Besides I meet with another Dr. S., lets call him Dr. Sh. on Wed. and he will be in charge of my chemo, and the Herceptin I will need to take that will specifically attack the HER2+ and so I will direct my questions regarding meds to him. And boy to I have questions.

But Stacy found a website she thought might be helpful to me. www.her2support.org And she was right. An online community where women (and men) with HER2+ breast cancer can discuss their treatment, their option and their successes. And this is what I have wanted to see. HER2+ success stories. Because, and please understand this, HER2+ status is a scary thing. I have said the words invasive and aggressive, but here is the scary word I haven’t said yet: metastasize. To be honest, even tho I have been saying invasive and aggressive, I hadn’t been hiding the word metastasize from you. I hadn’t even thought that word until Friday. Which is weird, because isn’t it another word for aggressive? Anyway, remember what I said before, I don’t have swollen lymph nodes. So my lymph nodes aren’t fighting anything. And it won’t be until after my breasts are removed from my body, and after the Sentinel Lymph Node Study, that we will know for sure. It’s very likely that since this dam cancer was caught so early it is still contained in my breast. But even if it is, that doesn’t change that fact that I need chemo and Herceptin. I don’t get it either. But I will find out why when I see Dr. Sh.

But I digress, again. This website is a god-send. What can make me more hopeful than seeing the words “10 years cancer free!” 12, 16? Wonderful, non sugar coated stories of real women fighting, or have already fought and won, the battle I have just begun? Oh thank you Stacy! What a relief to me. You have no idea. Another ray of sunshine along this dark journey. Mom, this is the website you should look at, stop putting HER2+ into Google. Forget the medical jargon and the statistics, and find comfort, like I did, in the stories of these real women. These survivors. Because some day I will be just like them.

A survivor.