I just returned home from a long weekend at Seneca Rocks WV.
If you have never been there, I suggest you go. Even if you are not a rock
climber. The area is beautiful. Stunning. Breath-taking. Awe-inspiring. Twice
before I had taken a day trip to WV, once to climb that 72 foot pillar in the
Potomac River and once to have my first (and last) experience at spelunking.
But on those two trips, I can assure you, the scenery wasn’t as nice.
Michelle, Alan and I went down there with 10 other people,
of those 10, I know 7 well. And on my other two trips down to WV I was with
some, if not all, of these people. The other two trips I made down there were
high adventure trips for me. This time, for me at least, it was a low adventure
trip. So on those other two trips I had to trust not only my ability to do what
I went down there to do, I also had to trust the people I was with. I had to
trust that they would keep me safe, that they would check my ropes and my
knots, that they would prevent me from stepping over the ledge if I wasn’t
properly secured. Both those times I had thought there can’t be a scarier ledge
to be on.
I have trusted these people with my life and my safety on
many occasions. I have trusted them with the lives and the safety of Alan and
Michelle too, many times.
But since this nasty diagnosis I had only seen one of them.
I had talked to the others, or received emails from them, but I hadn’t seen
them. And even tho we were all in the same town at that same time I didn’t
really see much of them as we were all busy doing our own things. Until
Saturday night. Because that is the night I planned a BBQ. I planned it. It was
my idea, everyone thought it was a good idea, so it happened.
But about 30 min. before everyone arrived at our cottage, I
found myself back on a ledge, but unlike the other ledges I find myself on with
this group, I was not attached to a rope. So I spent a few minutes alone with
Alan, I told him I didn’t know how to behave that evening. That I wanted to go
home, that I just couldn’t be around so many people. Even tho I love these
people, and they love me, at that moment I just wanted to go. Because I always
feel like there is a huge assed elephant standing between me and whoever I am
talking too. I hate that feeling, but I can’t avoid it. And I don’t have much
else to talk about these days…..goes right back to that “how are you” question.
Seriously, that question stumps me.
And after talking with Alan I called Melanie. I have written
about her before. She is the local friend of a friend that is going to the MD
appt with me this week. She knew exactly how I felt. In her words “it felt like
everyone was looking at my boobs.” Yep, that’s it exactly. Everyone is looking
at my boobs. Even if they are not, in my mind they are.
And most likely, the next time I see these people, I won’t
have boobs. Or I will have fake ones. Either way, I think I will still feel
like everyone is looking at them. Or the place where they use to be. Or
whatever. However you want to say it.
Because two weeks from now, I won’t have boobs. No boobs.
Just some saggy skin, 2 drains and an IV port below my collarbone. For chemo. Oh. My. God.
Is this really happening to me? Really?? REALLY???
But, on a good note, the BBQ went well. My friends are
awesome people. They love me, I love them and we all had a real good time. So
much food to eat, beer to drink, funny stories being told. It was normal for a
while there. I felt normal. Normal. It was such a nice feeling. And I wish I
was still there with them, sitting around a fire pit, being normal.
I did do my best to
avoid a lot of hugging tho. Because nice long hugs, like doctor offices, make
me cry. And these folks are good huggers. I am glad I got to see them, I am
glad I got to be “normal” with them. Especially since they are wingnuts…some of
the most un-normal people I know. I love you guys and ladies!! Thank you for my
last hoo-rah before treatment. I can’t wait for next years trip. I send you all
the hug I was unable to give you.
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