Telling The Whole Truth

We told Michelle. The whole truth. It was hard but I had had such a good day and the burden of keeping this from her was overwhelming. I can’t help but wonder tho if by relieving myself of this burden if I was hurting her. But she has been angry, and sad. And that is manifesting itself in many ways. So tonight I gave her a pencil and paper and asked her to draw a picture of my cancer; however she thought it would look. So she did. Then I gave her a sharpie pen and told her to “kill it!!”, and I really don’t care that now there is sharpie pen marks all over my kitchen table. Then she crumpled the paper up, stomped on it and threw it in the garbage yelling “GO AWAY CANCER!! GO AWAY!!” I can’t help but believe this was a good thing for her.

She is understandably sad. We tried to put a positive spin on it. Told her I would get new breasts, and a wig till my hair grew back. She worried about the summer and we agreed with her that it wouldn’t be a great summer but reminded her of how many more summers we will have together. Then, of course, I emailed her teacher. And I reminded Michelle that I have found her a therapist to talk to, and am looking for a kids support group for her. And that she would reallyreallyreallysoon have to get out of my bed and back into hers. “Life as normal” we tell her, but nothing feels normal to her right now. And I get that. Nothing feels normal to me, either.

So once again she fell asleep next to me, holding on to my left arm, with dried up tears on her face. And with the promise that life will be good, that before my surgery she and I will spend a whole day together doing whatever she wants. Even if it means I pull her out of school for the day. Wanna know what she says we are going to do? Shopping at the Promenade. Bike ride. Rock climbing. Movies. That’s gonna be a long day. But it will be a good day.