Happy (?) Mothers Day

I hope you all had a good Mothers Day. I did. Really, I did.

But it sucked too

I couldn’t help but sit at the dinner table, looking at my family, and contemplate time. There I was with my husband, my daughter, my step daughter, my mom, my dad and my nana and all I could think was how much time do we all have left? Nana is getting old. My folks are getting older. We have all already learned from Mary that something horrible can happen at any unexpected moment. And I have cancer. So how much time do we have?

The other day when Tyler was over we googled the stages of grief. Depending on which website you look at there are either 5 or 7 stages. We looked at the 5 stages. First was denial and isolation. Then anger. Then bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Ok. I never denied. But I did isolate. Still am as much as I can. Anger??? Oh yeah, sooo pissed. Bargaining? What chips do I have to bargain with? Depression? Could happen, really it could, I can see it happening. And acceptance. I have accepted this shitty fate of mine, I don’t like it, but I accept it. What choice do I have? None, except denial. And then I would die, so that is not an option.

But I think now I was wrong about bargaining. Honestly, that’s something I’ve been trying to do lately. Like, if I can just have 40 more mother days I will….if I can live long enough to see my grandchildren I will….if I can get thru chemo without getting really sick, or gaining 45 steroid pounds I will….if Michelle will cheer up I will….well, you get the idea.

But what about guilt? I’m 50% Italian and my mom is, well, she is my mom. And I know guilt. Boy, do I know guilt. And I have lots of it. Guilt that I have to put my family and friends thru such turmoil. Guilt that people are worrying about me. Guilt that Michelle is so sad. Guilt Guilt Guilt. Guilt that so many people are helping me and I will never be able to repay them. And if you look up the 7 Stages of Grief you will find that guilt is one of them. And that makes sense. Because how can you go thru something like this without some guilt?

So last night I reached out to a friend of a friend. A woman I don’t know who reached out to me last week. A woman who is a breast cancer survivor. A woman whose cancer was different but whose treatments are similar. She talked me down off my ledge. She said all the right things, she made me laugh and she waited patiently while I cried.

And after I got off the phone with her, something unreal hit me like a ton of bricks. There I was, standing on the ledge, unable to get control of myself and so I reached out. I reached out to a woman I don’t know. Not Alan. Not my mom. Not a friend. A woman I don’t know. Because, and this is important, she gets it. She “gets me” right now in a way that no one else can. Because she has stood on the very same ledge before. She understands the emotions. The anger. The guilt. The everything in way that even the people closest to me can’t.

And she offered to go to an MD appt. with me next week. A stranger offered to go to an MD appt. with me. That is an offer I would have refused from some of the people I know. Weird, huh? I accepted her offer tho.

And there is also another stranger that has reached out to me. A woman who is HER+ like me. A woman who is 18 months ahead of me on her treatments. Yep. 18 months. Go figure. This woman gets me too. Her emails are full of truths, and humor. She tells me it’s ok to be selfish. It’s ok to remove myself from situations or places when I feel uncomfortable. She tells me it’s ok to remove myself from people who appear uncomfortable around me. She told me that everything I feel, every emotion I have, is ok.

These two woman, these two strangers….wow….I am so glad they found me