More Mid Day Ramblings

I have been amazed at how many times I have heard from folks after starting this blog who say “Leah, your blog has inspired me too….”, “Leah, your honesty and humor has helped me too….”, “Leah, after reading your blog I realized that…”

Really? Because I re-read this blog and think “Leah, you are a wreck. Your emotions are all over the place. How can anyone read this?”

But I am glad to have helped you. It was unintentional but it does my heart good to know that what I am going thru has helped you go thru something. Or realize something. Or be inspired to do something. For me tho, truly, this blog started out as a way to keep multiple people informed and turned into the biggest cathartic life saver. I feel free when I type. I just wish I had something else to discuss.

Last night was a real bad night. Kind of like the nights I had the first week after this diagnosis. There were a lot of things on my mind. There are always a lot of things on my mind, but last night it was just worse.

During our trip to WV a lot of pictures were taken. And two pics that my friend Susie took I just can’t get out of my head. If you are a facebook friend of mine then you have seen these pictures. The first is a close up shot of me hugging Michelle. All you can see of Michelle is the back of her head. The second picture is Alan, Michelle and I. I’m sitting on Alan’s lap and Michelle is sitting on mine. I remember waiting for Susie to take the shots. In my mind I am saying “OK, smile Leah. You are somewhere beautiful surrounded by friends who love you and the best of Mother Nature.” And I thought I had pulled it off….I thought I had pulled off a happy, smiley face. But seeing the pictures, all I see is sadness in my eyes. A smile too…but my eyes just take over. Susie says it’s not a sadness as much as it is an intense look that leads the looker directly to the core of my soul. Alan says “Yes, that is the look people see when they look at you.”

I had no idea.

Late yesterday afternoon I talked to a good friend of mine. His sister was just diagnosed with breast cancer. God dam…it’s a freaking epidemic! I offered my assistance, in any way I could for his sister. And I told him that the folks that help me the most are the strangers that have worn (or still wear) my shoes. I don’t know if I will ever hear from her, but she is also dominating my thoughts. My heart is breaking for her and her family.

And then last night we took Michelle to her therapist. I have decided against discussing what happens during those meetings, Michelle deserves her privacy, but I can say it is a very emotional time for all of us. And at one point I needed to just get up and leave the room. I had a small meltdown and then pulled it together and was able to go back and join the family therapy discussion.

But by 9 PM last night my small meltdown swelled into a tsunami of emotion. I was raging. I wanted to call all the folks who have been getting on my nerves and tell them to get the hell out of my life. And at the same time I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I sent Alan and Michelle up to bed so that I could be alone. And I raged. And raged. Things were thrown, things we punched, hard alcohol was drunk directly from the bottle. I wanted out. OUT. Out of my home, out of my skin, out of me….OUT. But there is no way out. I know that. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want OUT. Just out. Please. Took me about an hour and a half to get thru it. But get thru it I did. And I’m glad I got thru it. And I’m glad I didn’t call anyone. And I’m glad no one called me. Because I didn’t want to talk to you. Well, maybe you Melanie.  And I have high hopes for today. Mostly because I have no energy today for any rage.  I will be perfectly happy today sitting on the couch.

Until it’s time to go for my MUGA scan. Got to check the ol’ ticker, make sure it can handle the toxins that will soon be pumped into my body.

Dam…