Support and Puddles

Yesterday really was a good day. I can say that honestly. I think my step-daughter and my job helped me put some things into perspective. I can’t say that that perspective makes what I am going thru easier, it just helped to remind me that there are people in this world who have gone thru, and go thru, worse things. And they do it with dignity and grace. I need to get thru this with dignity and grace. And sarcasm.

And the support has been wonderful. The outpouring of love. The offers of assistance. The stories of survivors. The friend who did a half marathon over the weekend, then texted to say she brought me across the finish line with her. Even people I have always felt don’t really like me have reached out and made me smile. The “moms” at the bus stop yesterday were great. One shared with me her moms breast cancer survivor story. One brought me dinner. The other told me all summer long she is going to fill me up with fresh organic veggies from her garden. The neighbors who are teachers and will be home all summer offered me child care, and a lounge chair poolside.

The care package that I got from www.pabreastcancer.org. Go there and click on the friends like me link. They sent a package with a yoga DVD, one of those “chicken soup” type books filled with stories of survivors….I may just be able to read again. Bracelets. Pink ribbon pins. A tree ornament made by a girl scout. Tons of info pamphlets about support groups, financial assistance, how to talk to your kids about cancer. And most importantly, a pink T-shirt that says “SURVIVOR” on the back. Oh, God! I can’t wait to wear that.

I am coming to terms with this. This is me. No one is going to call and say “woops, we messed up. Accidentally switched your films and biopsy with someone else.” And here is a truth: if God himself came down from the heavens and offered to take this away from me, but then I would have to choose who he gives it to because someone has to have it, I would keep it. There is no one I would wish this on. So I really need to follow my own advice and put on my big girl bra….and I am trying to do just that. It’s hard, but I’m trying.

And even tho yesterday was a good day, I know that not all days will be so good. I figured that since it was so good I would sleep well, without pharmacological assistance. I was wrong. I slept terribly. And today I go back to the Plastic Surgeon and I don’t look forward to that. Because each appt. I have just makes this more and more real.

 Yesterday I spoke to Jane and she said my MRI appt. was cancelled. Thankfully. I wasn’t looking forward to that. On May 9 I meet the oncologist who will be in charge of my chemo. On May 11 I meet again with Dr. Chung to sign the consent for surgery forms. I told Jane there were a few things I needed to do before surgery and one of them was to go to WV this month as planned. She told me to go, and have fun. Another week won’t kill me. The other was to use my sky diving Groupon. She said I should try to do that soon, before WV.

My life is going to drastically change after I come home from WV. And I  don’t really know if I am ready for it.

And then at the bus stop this morning, Michelle had a meltdown unlike anything I have seen from her thus far. A scratch on her leg that she is sure in cancer. She wants an MD appt. for a full check up. She went from being a little girl to being a puddle. She wants to curl herself up into a little ball and bury herself inside my bra. And I wish she could. I wish I hadn’t driven her to school at that point. I wish I had brought her home and buried the two of us under the covers with a big bowl of popcorn and some funny movies. I wish I could take her fears away, and convince her that I will be ok. But how will she believe that when to become ok I must first go thru hell?

It is time for my meltdown now.

This sucks.