Control Issues

Here is something many of you may know about me. I am the kind of person who wants what she wants when she wants it with no time to wait. If you say we are leaving at 5, we had best leave at 5. I would rather be 15 minutes early and wait for you then be 2 minutes late and have you waiting for me. I will tell Alan we have to leave the house at 3:30 when we really don’t have to leave till 3:45 just so I can be sure he will be ready.

I am impatient. And I have control issues. It’s true. I admit it. Normally I wouldn’t admit it, but I will now. And I like to worry. A lot. Keeps me on my toes. And there is so much to worry about, all the time. Not just right now. Always. Never once in my 39 years have I not had an opportunity to worry about something.

And so now I have this cancer and nothing is being done according to my time table. And I get it. I do. There is info to be gathered, schedules to coordinate, doctors to consult with. Yadda yadda yadda. Poor Jane, once I found my voice she came to know the real me quite quickly. “When?” That is what I ask her every time we speak. As if she has that answer and is just being a big ol’ meanie and not telling me. Poor Jane, who I call while watching a DVR’d episode of Grey’s Anatomy that I have to put on pause because something happened on the show that worried me. Poor Jane, who has to hear me say “no” every time she asked “did you read that pamphlet I gave you about…”

I read them all in the past 24 hours Jane. I did. I may not retain all the info. But I read them. And now I have about 2000 more questions…

But anyway…about this impatience and these control issues. And the side note of worrying. I can be impatient all I want with regards to this cancer. It won’t help me, no one is rushing just because I say they should. But they should. Things should move faster. You know what is worse than finding out you have breast cancer? Waiting for it to be treated. Good Grief. And I read that pamphlet you gave me Jane, the one where it said breast cancer starts out as one tiny little cell, that it can take that cell 9 years to reach the size of 1cm. 11 years until it’s palpable to the touch. So in my estimation this has been brewing for 10 years in me. Because no matter how hard I try, and I try often, I can’t feel it. So get it out already.

And I have no control now. None. I had only one choice to make: lumpectomy vs mastectomy vs double mastectomy. The rest of the stuff that is needed to treat and kill and get rid of this cancer is just that. Needed. So what choice do I have? None.

And worry? Puh-leeze…..

But, it’s the only thing I worry about now. This cancer, its treatment and its effect on my family. All that other stuff I use to worry about? Not worth it. Not worth it at all.

Which makes passing 18 wheelers on Rt. 76 much easier.