Mid Day Ramblings

First let me start by saying I AM HUNGRY!! It’s about time too. Since April 20 I have lost six pounds. Now, under normal circumstances I would think that losing six pounds in 12 days is a phenomenal accomplishment. But I am not functioning under normal circumstances right now. And I didn’t safely lose six pounds thru diet and exercise, I lost six pounds because I really didn’t eat. I couldn’t swallow. Or taste. Not even my moms chocolate cheesecake. And while those folks who love me would gently reprimand me for not eating they didn’t make a big issue of it either. Alan saw me eating lots a fruit. So every night he has been making me a large container of fruit salad and I would spend the next day eating it. Yesterday, after seeing Dr. S. I was hungry. So Alan and I stopped at 5 Guys’ and I had one of their horribly delicious burgers. That burger probably contained more calories than I have been eating in two, maybe three days time. It feels good to want to eat again. I need my strength for what is to come.

I feel like I am living on a roller coaster. Just looking at my blog entries I can see that. I am all over the place. Happy. Calm. Sad. Angry. Scared. I don’t seem to stay in any one place for very long. I would like for this roller coaster to reach a plateau so I can just spend some time gently moving forward without going up or down. Is this what a bi-polar person feels like? I can’t organize my thoughts. I can’t remember the mundane tasks of life. I can’t remember what day of the week it is. I don’t have time to return each phone call or email I receive, which is weird because I feel like I have nothing but time. Time waiting. Always waiting. To find out what is next. And now I also am waiting to find out when. And even tho I want everything to have started yesterday, I find myself asking “can it wait till after we go to West Virginia?”

I have a friend named Nancy. She came into my life in much the same way as Jane has. We need(ed) her, but we wished we didn’t and we resented her presence because of the reason she was there. Nancy, like me, is a home health nurse. She, like me, spends her working days making someone else’s life easier. She is my step-daughter Mary’s nurse. And she has been with us since the accident. After nine years (almost 10) she has become a fixture in our lives. Much like the sink. She makes life easier but like any other family member, she sometimes makes us nuts. She was in my home the day of, and the day after, my last biopsy. So she knew what was going on. I had even asked her to check the hematoma that formed at the biopsy site. I hadn’t seen her again till yesterday but I had informed her of the results and directed her here. So yesterday she gives me a big hug, offers all her love and support and then talked to me. We had such a nice talk. Her work day was over so we opened a few Corona’s and chatted for almost an hour.

She told me that she could tell last week that I just knew. That I knew what the biopsy results would be before I had gotten them. She said there was an aura surrounding me that negated my smile and my positive attitude. And she was right. I knew. I did. I could feel it deep inside me, in that place where the truth hides until it’s ready to confront you. I was just amazed that she knew I knew. That the bond that was formed out of necessity could lead her to my truths. It made me love her even more. And I am thankful that she will be in my life, and in my home, as I go thru these next few months. I will need her, and she will be there. And all the other nurses that help Mary? They will be there too, in my home. And while I know that they are there for Mary, they will simply be there. With knowledge and skill that I can draw from. The clinicians attitude that in my working life I am so good at maintaining but in my personal life, when I can’t see what is going on beyond the current crisis leaves me falling to my knees, I will be surrounded by nurses. And knowing that gives me a bit more peace of mind.

And today is turning out to be a good day. Thankfully. Tomorrow Paulette and I head down to New Jersey to see a guy about a wig. And I am looking forward to the day. A day spent with my bestie who took the day off to spend with me. A woman of such strength and character, who can hold my hand and make me laugh as I discuss with Martino the kind of wig I want. Good grief….I am going to see a guy about a wig. I never thought I would say that! Going to see a guy about a wig. A wig. And, since I already told Michelle about the whole hair falling out and getting a wig thing, I can no longer go for straight and blonde, or fire engine red. She wants me to get something that looks like what I already have. And here I thought I could finally spend at least one summer frizz free. But she wants me to look the same, and I get that. Because she and I look alike, and that makes her happy. But still, I’m thinking thick and wavy, a la Cindy Crawford, Sarah Jessica Parker, Julia Roberts….