"Feelings Aren't Wrong, They Just Are"

Ok, I am really trying to stay occupied these last days before my surgery. But man, it is hard. I keep thinking “I should….balance my check book, do the laundry, change the sheets, mop the floors, clean the bathroom….” But once I start doing one of those things..I stop and hit the couch. This waiting is the worse. Wait wait wait. And then, once surgery is done it’s wait wait wait for the pathology report, then wait wait wait for chemo to start, then wait wait wait to be told I am NED. I will have a preliminary pathology report by the time I wake up from surgery…but it will be just that…preliminary…so I can’t put too much faith in it. A little maybe, but not much.

And my phone keeps ringing, and I keep ignoring it. Is that rude? I have nothing to say. I don’t need anything right now unless you can perform a miracle. I don’t want to talk about it. And I have nothing else to talk about. I listen to the messages being left tho, or read the text or email, and I smile and say a silent “thank you” to you, but most likely I won’t respond. Don’t take offense. I am entitled to my feelings, even if they are different from yours. But what I need is most likely very different then what you may think I need.

That being said…can I go one step further? One step that is possibly ruder? Don’t visit me in the hospital. I know that this surgery is my second step to becoming a true survivor (the first was accepting the battle) but still, it’s not like the last time I was in the hospital. That time I had a beautiful baby to show off. This time I will be in pain. Doped up. Sad. Boobless. And I don’t want visitors. I just want to spend my time in the hospital recovering, so that I can come home on Friday as planned, and not have to spend another night.

I realize that some folks are having a hard time understanding where I am coming from. And trust me, I don’t mean to be rude. But this is my battle and I will battle it my way. I have a great support system, I know that. Many people willing to help, many people helping, many people going above and beyond and I appreciate it. I do. Really I do. You have no idea how much.